The Dog House Diaries :
Fight Club :
Unbelievably we seem to have lots of puppy free people saying “ooooh enjoy this time! They don’t stay puppies for long.” These people have obviously a) never had a puppy b) have forgotten what its like c) are sado masochists.
I mean for God’s sake, I’m actually wondering if my dog is the antichrist.
I don’t know, maybe I’ve done something awful to him in a previous life, but he seems determined to carry out some form of revenge on me.
Literally anything dangly or moving (or even not moving) all get it! Skirt hems, trouser hems, and dressing gown ties all get swung from. Bag handles get tugged, cushions get battered, ankles get attacked and the plant in the corner of the room…well…the first rule of Fight Club is we don’t talk about Fight Club!
The words I now say the most are “Leave It” and “No!”, shortly followed by “Good Boy” when/if he lets go of whatever he wants to kill or maim.
I did have a sense of humour failure when he tried to climb the wine rack though. I mean seriously? My wine!!!!! At least he takes after his mummy I suppose!
“Oh dear” says my husband who got home to find Barkley in his crate and me rocking back and forth on the sofa “have you two fallen out?”
I want to punch him.
“Maybe you should play with him and give him some training” he suggests.
I’m actually trying to f***ing work and meet my stress inducing deadline. Why don’t you f***ing well train him.
“Maybe you need to spend some time together playing” he suggests, letting Barkley out of his crate.
I’d rather spend time in a locked cell with Hannibal Lector.
“Right, I’m going out to let you both bond.” he says, leaving me once more backed into a corner with a dog swinging off my hair.
I debate whether the better option is to reach for the leftover wine or for my phone, to google divorce lawyers.
At this rate I won’t be fighting him for the sodding dog!
Stay tuned for more from The Dog House Diaries; or have a butchers at my feature about Fabulous Finn
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